11 Common Self-sabotaging Behaviors That Kill Personal Growth (and How to Break Free)

Self-sabotaging behaviours can be hard to spot in yourself. They often feel like just who you are, but the truth is, they are learned habits, not fixed traits. The good news is that you can change them! The first step is to become aware of them and recognize them as developed patterns, not part of your personality.

What is self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage or self-sabotaging behaviors are recurring patterns that undermine your effectiveness, overall life satisfaction, and happiness. These patterns usually start in childhood when children observe their parents’ behavior and adopt their expectations. This happens because, as kids, we are extremely loyal to our parents and are willing to do everything to keep their approval and love. Of course, other circumstances, such as school, teachers, friends, and other social interactions, influence how your learned behaviors form in childhood.

But as adults, those old patterns can backfire. Self-sabotaging behaviors diminish your self-worth, keep you trapped in cycles, and lead to recurring frustrations. If you find yourself stuck in the same kinds of situations that upset or drain you, it might be because your inner patterns are quietly assisting in recreating these situations over and over again.

Why do I self-sabotage?

We all want to grow, improve, and live our best lives. Yet often, the biggest obstacles in our way are not external—they’re within us. 

Self-sabotaging behaviors often go unnoticed, disguised as personality traits. Commonly, people do not recognize these behaviors, or they think they are an inseparable part of their character, part of who they are.

And sure, there are situations and phases in life where these same patterns are serving us well. However, when they stick around too long, they might stop serving and start hurting. Self-sabotaging patterns are a familiar way to act, which is why they remain a preferred way even when these patterns are self-harming or destructive. 

How do I stop self-sabotaging?

When you recognize self-sabotaging behavior in yourself and are motivated to act to limit or change it,  it is already a great first step to begin the transformation. You’re already on the path!

Start small, focus on something you have in power to change, and let go of the worries about the external factors outside of your control.

Read through the examples below and notice which of these roles and behaviors are the most familiar and unproductive for you, and decide whether you would like to change something about them.

Self-sabotaging behaviors and how to ditch them

Here are 11 common self-sabotaging behaviors or patterns that can lead to unfavorable outcomes for people who use them. Also, you will find recommendations about how to change or adjust them to better support yourself.

I’ve described these patterns in a slightly exaggerated way so that they are easy to recognize. In reality, however, they might not show up as pronounced or only occur in certain situations.

1. The Rescuer

You are always thinking about how you can help or support others. In every situation, you know the best way for others to achieve their goals or what is best for them. However, your own needs and wishes are lost somewhere in the background. You might think your help, especially to your close family and friends, is essential, and without your support, they would be lost or at least not as well off. Without you, surely their lives would fall apart, right? But weirdly, they do not always appreciate your help, which disappoints you.

Why it hurts: As a result of being the rescuer, you end up not focusing on your wishes and needs—the needs of others are the priority. In the long run, this attitude wears you off, as your own fulfillment is set on pause. You also feel responsible for others’ problems.

It is essential to first satisfy your own needs and wishes before you can properly and wholeheartedly take care of others.  This is not about being egoistic, it is about self-care.

Break free: Focus on yourself, learn to prioritize your wishes and needs. List all your small and big wishes, regularly update your wish list, and keep it growing! Let others handle their own stuff—they might surprise you!

Trust that you do not need to control and help them all the time.

Great journal prompt: Whom in my life do I help the most, and what do they say about my help? How can I trust them more and let go of my control?

2. Workaholic

Your identity is tied to productivity and effectiveness, you are constantly keeping yourself busy. You’re allergic to stillness. Of course, being busy provides you with an escape from feeling guilty when you rest or do nothing productive. You rest only when you are sick or unconscious.

Why it hurts: Keeping busy is often a strategy of avoiding emotions or difficult decisions. Of course, as you’ve been doing this all the time, you might not even notice something you are avoiding and trying to escape.

Being a workaholic is a very fancy form of avoidance!

Break free: Reflect on the pros and cons for you to be a workaholic. See what you are trading off with your work. If you feel like it, reflect on what emotions or difficult thoughts you are trying to avoid by not taking rest.

Gradually incorporate breaks and non-productive activities into your life. Focus on the benefits of those to your mental health and well-being.

Great journal prompt: What happens when I stop working? What feelings show up?

3. The Victim

You often find yourself in situations where you think you are unable to change anything, you often perceive people as unfair to you. You might feel powerless and unlucky, and you assume nothing will ever change for the better. You enjoy telling this to others and expect them to get how tough you have it.

Why it hurts: Being a victim is assuming that your position is passive and only the external factors, such as unlucky situations, and other people are at fault in your misery. In other words, you hand over your power to circumstances. In the long run, victims might secretly enjoy their stories, and this is a perfect excuse to stay passive and avoid change.

Break free: Explore other perspectives, focus only on what you can do to improve your situation, and acknowledge the existing factors that you do not control. Reframe complaints into action steps. Find what you can influence, and focus there.

Great journal prompt: When did I last complain, and what was it about? What could I influence in this situation, what is not under my control?.

4. The Perfectionist

You spend a lot of time planning or preparing something, you focus on every little detail, and want everything to be exactly as you imagine. Often, this attitude causes you to delay your actions because you are striving to do everything perfectly the first time. You are extremely disappointed and even embarrassed when things do not go as planned, and you always blame yourself or others for this failure.

Why it hurts: Perfectionism might be the biggest obstacle in starting something new and unknown. Perfectionism paralyzes. Thinking that everything must be perfect from the beginning will often shy you away from even starting. Fear of failure will keep you away from your ideas and goals. Perfectionism is like an inner critic who tells you exactly what you or others did wrong.

Break free: Start by doing small, consistent, and imperfect steps to achieve your goals. Create realistic expectations for your goals and then review what aspects are essential and focus on them—the rest will be taken care of later, step by step.

Prioritize progress over polish.

Great journal prompt: What have I delayed because it wasn’t “perfect” yet? What arguments will I give to my inner critic to proceed next time in a similar situation?

5. The Good Girl or Good Boy

As a good girl or a boy, you are the best people pleaser. Your go-to word is “yes”.  The biggest fear is doing something that causes disapproval or disappointment from others. You live based on the others’ expectations, real or imagined. 

Why it hurts: You are consciously or subconsciously prioritizing others’ expectations. However, do you even know them for sure, or do you only assume it? This pattern might shy you from doing something truly important for you, only because you prioritize someone else’s opinion over yours.

Break free: Practice saying “no” when you feel so; the beginning might be difficult, but you will get used to it. Celebrate each time you do.

Scan you past for such situations and frankly admit whether you agreed to something because you truly wanted it, or because you wanted to please or not to disappoint someone.

Great journal prompt: What was the last time I was “good” to others? How did this situation make me feel? Who is judging you in your head? What does this voice say?

6. The Overthinker

You are mostly in your head. You often find yourself dwelling on your past, thinking about your future, or overanalyzing anything that happens. You get stuck in endless mental loops. “What if” questions take the lead and entertain you instead of taking action.

Why it hurts: This one is tricky, as our societies often stimulate overthinking, especially taking into account the rapidly increasing amount of information available, which distracts and at the same time stimulates our mental activities. You drown in thoughts and disconnect from your body and feelings,  making it difficult to enjoy the simplest moments in life. 

Break free: The goal is to find the balance; it is essential to eliminate repeatedly occurring thought patterns. Learn to think deeply rather than dwelling on repeating worries or fears. Also, tune into your body, you will be amazed, it is the most reliable tool that shows you what’s going on.

Notice body reactions or changes when you speak to different people, be mindful of how various thoughts create different sensations in your body. If you have never practiced it, it could seem that you do not feel anything in your body, but trust me, this is just in the beginning. Make this a little game that you play, use your imagination, and notice any mental pictures that come up when you do so. It will help to increase your awareness and reduce overthinking. 

Great journal prompt: What’s going on in my body when I feel overwhelmed?

7. The Comparer

You constantly compare yourself to others. Everyone seems richer, fitter, smarter, just better. Moreover, social media strengthens this habit!

Why it hurts: As you compare yourself to others, your focus is outward, and you forget your own worth. Comparison is a thief of joy and self-worth.

Break free: Turn comparison into inspiration. When you compare yourself to others and feel jealous, this is a valuable sign of your own wishes and dreams. Empower yourself, and whenever you start comparing, notice what exactly you compare and then apply it to your development, let it inspire you to get serious about your own development goals.

Moreover, improving your self-worth will also limit the urge to compare yourself to others. There are numerous ways to work on it, for example, start with a simple daily self-empowering habit.

Great journal prompt: When was the last time I compared myself to someone? How did it make me feel? What does this trigger tell me about what I want?

8. The Doubter

You never feel ready. You are caught in telling yourself you will not make it, or you are not good enough. Fear of failure holds you back from starting something new and pursuing your dreams. You have strong limiting beliefs about your abilities. You think everything is against you in this world. Even when things go well, you think it’s a fluke.

Why it hurts: Similar to the overthinker and the perfectionist, the doubter might struggle to start new things or change unsatisfying parts of their life. It convinces you not to even try.

Break free: Identify your limiting beliefs and see how they affect your life. When you start working on limiting beliefs, they often seem like an absolute truth, which makes it especially tricky to work on changing them. The first step is always to identify your limiting beliefs and to find examples of how they are affecting your life, how beliefs are acting as self-fulfilling prophecy.

Great journal prompt: What is one limiting belief I have? Who told me this story, and why am I still believing it? How does it make me feel? What would I like to believe instead?

9. The Over-Explainer

You always justify yourself to others for your actions or decisions. You explain and soften every opinion in case someone disapproves. Your biggest fear is that others will judge you openly or behind your back. Moreover, your fear of being misunderstood makes you think about others’ opinions constantly. Especially in these situations, you feel a lack of inner confidence.

Why it hurts: Constant explaining kills confidence. You forget that your decisions are valid, no backstory required.

Break free: Start noticing those situations where you tend to overexplain or justify your actions to others. In the beginning, it could be difficult to change your behavior on the spot. However, as you reflect on these situations, you will be more prepared to change your response, and instead of justifying and explaining yourself, you will naturally find ways to stand behind your actions and decisions, and this will be done confidently and politely.

Great journal prompt: When was the last time I had to justify and explain myself? How did it make me feel? What would I say if I trusted that I don’t need to explain myself?

10. The “Someday” Dreamer

You’ve got big dreams… for later. You tend to passively wait till your dreams come true on their own. When you have more time, money, energy, clarity, or when Mercury is out of retrograde. You often say “someday”, “when I’m given the chance”, or “when the timing is right”, and hope that your dreams depend on external circumstances and luck. This, in turn, makes taking the first step toward your dreams very unlikely.

Why it hurts: Being a passive dreamer is not a very fulfilling strategy in the long run. You are over-reliant on external chances, you do not empower yourself to be able to achieve what you dream about. Waiting becomes a lifestyle.

Break free: Think about your biggest dream and what you can do yourself, step by step, to achieve it or move closer. Break your dream into doable steps.

Great journal prompt: What’s one small action I could take today to move closer to my dream? What about this week, this month?

11. The Escapist

You ghost your problems. You always avoid scary feelings, conflicts, and difficult conversations. It is painful for you to face these challenging situations—it is easier to pretend it is not important or non-existent.  

You also might be avoiding responsibilities or tough tasks by overthinking the process, which makes it difficult to even start.

The escapist might use constant scrolling, binge-watching, overeating, or other means to distract and forget about the perceived blocks and difficulties. It keeps you stuck and hinders you from moving on further.

Why it hurts: Avoidance offers temporary relief but might build long-term stress and hidden pressure. You stay stuck in low-key discomfort instead of breaking through.

Break free: Identify what you avoid the most and what exactly makes you behave this way. Think about an alternative strategy that is more sustainable in the long run. Tackle that thing you are avoiding in micro-steps. Small, gentle progress is still progress.

Great journal prompt: What am I avoiding? What are the tiny steps I could take instead of escaping?

Final Thoughts

Which of these self-sabotaging behaviors do you recognize in yourself, or others around you? These patterns don’t define you.  It is helpful to think of them as one of the parts or voices inside of you that sometimes show up.

The good news—we all have some of these behaviors in more or less pronounced form, and reflecting and working on improving them can be very efficient. Once you recognize your self-sabotaging behaviors, you have already begun to disarm them.

You don’t need to fix everything at once. Just notice what feels familiar and gently start there. Choose one to focus on and start making small, consistent changes.

As you know, it should not be perfect, it should be consistent, easy to implement and maintain, so that you can develop your personal development habits step by step. That’s how real change happens!